The year 2020 has finally arrived and with that we are in a new decade. This is going to be an amazing time. I know this because we are going to make sure of that by changing habits to transform your love life.
Today’s post is about personal development, which has been one of my passions since I was young.
Let’s take the momentum of the New Year to make some changes, especially in your Love Life.
I’m sharing with you 5 habits that will not only transform your love life but can also be applied in all other relationships you have.
Habit that will transform your life #1: Analyse that past year.
Have a look at what went well and what didn’t go as well as you wanted it to go.
Are you heading where you want to be heading with your life? Are you in a happy and fulfilling relationship? Or are you settling for someone you actually don’t want to be with out of fear to be alone? Are you learning from your mistakes or do you make the same mistake over and over again wondering why you are not getting anywhere?
Taking an honest and critical look at our lives and our current situations is difficult. We have to look at our flaws and imperfections.
Because when you genuinely want to know what is going wrong and why you are not happy you will realise that you yourself is the one responsible for the situation you are in.
Let me explain what I mean. For instance, if you keep having the same difficult situations in your relationships the one constant in all these relationships is you.
Which brings me to the habit that will transform your love life #2: Take responsibility for your actions, imperfections and your circumstances.
Because every single decision you’ve made in your life has lead you to the situation you are in today.
If you find yourself making excuses and blaming others, then you need to have an even closer look at yourself as blaming others indicates that you haven’t spent much time on looking and working on your own flaws.
This is not easy. But being honest to yourself is an important step to improve your life.
If you are unsure about how to start read my this post here, where I’m talking about doing regular thought downloads to really understand what is going on for you. Ones you understand your subconscious thoughts you can start to think about how you want to think instead and how to put in appropriate actions.
However, don’t beat yourself up over the mistakes you’ve made. We all do them. Just take an honest look and see how you want to improve and do it!
‘There is no failure except in no longer trying.” – Elbert Hubbard
Habit that will transform your love life #3: Stop the blaming game
Because it is so hard for us to look at our own imperfections, naturally we start blaming others.
He has done this. He should have said this. If this wouldn’t have happened I could have done that. It’s not my fault, it’s because this happened and so on.
What I have learned in my long journey of personal development is that successful and happy people, whether that’s in business or in relationships, take responsibility for their actions and don’t play the blaming game.
Now this doesn’t mean that they aren’t facing difficult situations or situations they didn’t expect and which throw them off track.
What it does mean though is, that they are taking full responsibility and learn from their mistakes.
By taking responsibility they do something you cannot do when you are blaming others.
They are keeping their power or getting their power back and don’t waste their energy any further on people or situations that don’t serve them to achieve their goal.
Look at it this way.
If you are blaming others for your circumstances you are actually putting yourself in a passive position, as someone who defined by other people’s actions. Which essentially also means that you are depending on someone else to make your life better. To make you happy.
I hope by reading this last paragraph an alarm bell went off in your head.
Because this is crazy and a complete waste of your time. It’s the most passive way to live your life.
You can’t control other people. The only thing you can control are your own actions.
Habit that will transform your love life #4: Be clear about your standards and know how to put your boundaries in place.
With relationships it’s like with everything else in life. You need to be clear on where you want to get in order to be able to get there. Otherwise you may never end up where you want to be.
Usually what happens when women start dating someone they really like? Logic is put on hold and they focus on the feeling the guy gives them.
I have seen so many intelligent women, who usually make decision based on logic. But when it comes to their love lives they seem to have forgotten all the logic. Which is usually the beginning of a disaster.
In the emotional roller coaster of the early stages of dating or even in a relationship it is very difficult to make decisions based on logic.
Which is why it is so important for you to know where you want to go. Only this way you can stop wasting your time with men who are not aligned with your goal.
This is especially important if you are not in your mid twenties anymore and if you are planning on having a family.
Some of you will say that this is an unromantic and that we should be following our hearts.
Well… how did this work out for you so far?
Blinded by chemistry and by following your emotions the risk is high that you will be wasting your time. Think logical too! As the word chemistry indicates, those strong feelings you have for a guy you don’t even really know is nothing else but a chemical cocktail in your body and has literally nothing to do who he actually is.
How often have you been on a first date with a guy finding you afterwards with hearts in your eyes, saying: I really like him. I’m sorry, but no you don’t. You can’t. A first date is a highly curated situation. You don’t know the guy that right there is the chemistry talking.
Having standards and putting boundaries in place is always important in any type of relationship you have.
If you are finding yourself in relationships where you feel you are not treated with the love and respect you should be treated ask yourself what steps are you taking to make them either respect you more. Are you maybe controlling, clingy, or nagging?
If nothing of the above is the case, why you haven’t removed yourself from them.
I’m not saying you should cut out everyone you are having problems with. But think carefully about who is really important to you. Get clear about who you want to have in your life and who you want to leave behind as they are not benefitting you.
This is especially important when it comes to your partner or the guy you have been dating for way too long in the hope that he will change by you continuously acting in the same way.
It takes courage to admit that we ourselves are responsible for the life we have. It’s a lot easier to blame others or circumstances. This way we don’t have to take responsibility.
However, only if we take responsibility for our own actions we are able to make change.
Are you hoping that something will magically change by not changing yourself? Do you find yourself having lots of excuses?
Excuses are a way to postpone the problem. We say things like, I want to do this, but it’s not the right time etc.
What we are actually doing is pushing the problem away as we don’t want to deal with it in that moment. We don’t priorities these problems as they are uncomfortable to deal with. Because working on ourselves and being honest to ourselves is hard.
You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself. If you can start seeing it from this side, you will start to feel a lot better.
Habit that will improve your love life #5: Don’t’ fall in the wrong Self -Love / Narcissist hype trap
Currently there is a huge self-love wave.
Which is great. Loving and respecting yourself are important corner stones to build and have healthy relationships.
But, while this is actually a good thing, it makes it easy to blame men rather than looking at your own actions. What did you do to show him how you want to be treated? What behaviour you accept and what you don’t accept?
Could it be that you have been over giving hoping that he would treat you in a different way?
We promote what we permit. If you don’t have your standards and boundaries in place, people will always take advantage of you. Men as well as women.
The word Narcissist seems to be particularly popular at the moment.
A Narcissist is someone who has a mental health disorder. The estimated number of Narcissist we have in the world lies by 1%! Yes, 1%. So how can it then be that almost every other woman says she has been with a Narcissist? Have they all been with the same guys? I doubt it.
Men can be self-absorbed and not give you the attention you want even if they are not Narcissists.
But then again, if you have your standards and he doesn’t give you what you need and want, what does this tell you about yourself? Why are you with him?
Bonus: Habit that will transform your love life #6: Stop rushing with sex and into (fantasy) relationships.
Men have not changed. I mean in terms of how nature has meant them to be. They are wired to master challenges (which is why they will rather try to give a solution quickly rather than listening to us complaining about the same thing over and over again). They enjoy the validation when a woman chases them but they value a woman more when they have to put in effort to get her. (The sperm chases the egg and not the other way around). They think at least twice as often about sex than women etc.
This is not me making this up. This is biology. And as much as you want men and women to me the same, we are not. Men are not hairy women.
If you finding yourself in similar nerve wrecking situations with men over and over again, then it is time to change your strategy.
What you can do straight away is to stop rushing with having sex. Don’t have sex with men you don’t even know if you are looking for a long-lasting committed relationship.
No woman has kept a man because she had sex with him early on.
Be clever and learn from your mistakes.
Wait until the first rush of feelings is over and look at what is right in front of you. Are his actions matching with his words?
It is difficult to find a great partner. And I understand that for some of you the biological clock is ticking. But by jumping from one guy to the next rather than being very selective it will take more time to find a good man.
Give yourself time to get to know him and also to let him get to know you in a three dimensional way rather than a one dimensional way. This way you are minimizing the risk to get unnecessary hurt and it also prevents you from wasting your time.
This is it for now. Obviously there are way more things you need to focus on to improve your love life. But starting with these habits you are on a good way to improve your life.
Read my post about finding Mr Right here.