Finding someone you fancy is difficult. The first few dates are always a bit of a challenge. After you’ve dated him for a few months you start to feel more secure.
You may even think, this is him. I’ve finally found someone I click with.
Everything seems to go well. But then, seemingly out of the blue this happens…
Have you ever heard a man say the following words?
“I’m not sure if I love you.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m not ready yet for a serious relationship. This has nothing to do with you but everything with me. You are amazing.”
“This is too soon. I’m not over my ex.”
“I’m not sure whether this can work between the two of us. I need distance to think about what I want.”
During the first year of dating it is very common that men are pulling back for no obvious reason. At least not obvious to us women.
However, for a man to start being unsure about what he wants and for him to pull back is common within the first 4 to 5 months and up to one year.
This behaviour usually causes lots of anxiety in you as everything seemed to be perfect. Now the fear of losing him is creeping up in you.
It is that point when the dynamics starts to shift.
He doesn’t put in as much effort anymore and seems to be not as keen to see you as he used to be.
Very often this ends up in you putting a lot more effort in than him which leads to him pulling away even further and you are feeling and acting needy. You start to cling onto him.
It feels like he is slipping out of your hands and that there is nothing you can do.
You start to question yourself: Does he still love me?
To get from a fairly new and fragile relationship to a long term committed relationship there is only one crucial thing that you need to do.
Your behaviour during that time is crucial as to whether the relationship will make it to the next stage or not.
Everything depends on whether you are able to lean back and to give him space in a confident way.
You are not sulking, complaining, nagging. You are just accepting that he needs space and let him have it. While you use the space to go about your own things.
How much he misses you during that time and whether he comes back to you, loving you even more than before depends very much on your behaviour during that time.
Because men go through an ambivalent phase the relationship gets out of balance.
I have experienced this behaviour myself. It is also the most common reason why women approach me, asking for advice.
During this time men show very ambivalent behaviour which usually leads to an imbalance in the relationship.
The imbalance of the relationship is caused when you are following your emotions.
Because you are so anxious to lose him you are craving emotional release and you are trying to get some type of reassurance or validation from him.
Here is what I mean.
He shows you or says to you that he is ambivalent as to whether he wants to continue the relationship with you or what he wants.
He stops putting in effort in the relationship. No loving and cute text messages anymore. No asking to see you. He rarely calls and often he doesn’t even call or text you back.
You fear that you are about to lose him. You feel that you have to fight for him. That you have to show him how much you love him.
That you are there for him no matter what. That you can make the relationship work.
This is the point when the relationship gets out of balance.
You start to put in more effort than him. All of a sudden you are the one who pursues him and takes the lead. Not him.
You are regularly initiating conversations. You are texting more often. You are accepting last minute ‘Chilling and Netflix’ dates.
You start doing all the things you didn’t need to do to get his attention in the beginning.
And the more you are lowering your standards and the more effort you are putting in, the less he seems to want to be with you.
If it gets to this point, that’s always the beginning of a downward spiral.
You are hurt, desperate and hopeless. You can’t understand what has happened and you want clarity.
So, you tell him that you need to talk. You open up to him and you are pouring outyou’re your feelings you’ve been bottling up over the last weeks.
You are hoping is that he understands you. That he will say that he is sorry, take you in his arms and everything is will be fine again.
That he again becomes the man who he used to be in the beginning when he was all loving, warm and understanding.
Unfortunately, this almost never happens.
What happens instead is, that you are the only one who talks about how much you love him. But he doesn’t say much apart from that he is still unsure about what he wants.
You are devastated. How can this man who used to be so loving be so cold?
Very often this is the end of a relationship.
An end that could have been avoided.
What a man needs in that moment are three things:
#1: He needs to know that he can have his space if he needs to.
#2: That you are not falling apart without having him by your side.
#3: He needs you to go about your own life, ambitions, goals dreams and social life without him having to be a part in it. He needs to see that you are perfectly able to have a fulfilled life without him by your side.
The last thing you should do in this phase is to give him reassurance that you want to have a future with him.
Has he officially broken up with you? Read this post here to avoid the most common mistakes women do in this situation.
If you have a love question you need help with drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Stay classy ladies,