The holidays can be a very difficult time for you if you are going through a break up or if you have been single for a while and all you want is being in a committed relationship.
It literally can feel as if you have to survive being single during this period of time.
Maybe you’ve spent a few lovely Christmases with him. Or you have been looking forward to spending your first Christmas with him? Maybe it’s because you see all the other couples going home together from Christmas markets. You are thinking about how they are all cuddling up with each other in their cosy homes while binge watching their favourite series. And you want to have that too.
You may start beating yourself up over the things you have done wrong. Yes, there are things that you have done wrong too. Be it not showing your boundaries, which didn’t help your relationship. Be it being jealous, throwing tantrums, not giving him space or whatever.
All the problems you two had now seem minimal to you. What you are thinking off now are the good times two had.
Whatever comes to mind you need to STOP thinking about it, about him.
We all know how difficult it is to get your thoughts off someone or something when you are emotionally involved.
It may even seem impossible to you to stop thinking about that someone.
Sometimes we really indulge in that state. In those negative feelings and thought patterns. We are doing this mainly because this is the last thing that connects us to that someone. We are clinging on to that feeling as we don’t want to completely let go.
And then there are those who feel sorry and pity for themselves.
In both cases you chose to stay in and a destructive emotional state that will not get you to where you want to be. Meaning to a happy and positive state.
The longer you have been thinking those negative, unloving, self-criticising thoughts, the harder it is for you to move on. This is because the more you are thinking the same thoughts over and over again the more you are wiring your brain to think that way. And the more you will feel this way. Because we feel how we think.
This is why it is so important to not induldge into those thoughts but to have a strategy how to move forward in a positive way.
Depending on how long you’ve been thinking your negative thoughts the harder this is. However, it is possible and it lies solely in your hand. No one else can help you with this.
So here is how it goes:
In my example, I’m referring to how someone can get over thinking of an ex. But you can do this with any negative situation you are in.
Be it negative thoughts because you’ve been single for years and you finally want to be in a loving relationship or whatever.
I’ve tried this strategy for myself. While it is not easy, this will support you in getting anyone or anything difficult you have to deal with in your life.
How to survive the holidays being single:
How to survive the holidays being single step #1:
Make a first decision that you want to change and that you will give this strategy an honest and fully committed chance.
If you are in the state of mind thinking:
- I can’t do this.
- This is too difficult.
- This is not for me.
- I’m different to everyone else, this doesn’t work for me.
Then you may as well stop reading this post.
Because you’ve already made up your mind that you DON’T WANT to change.
But if you are tired of wasting your pressures time and energy with thinking about someone else this is how you can start:
How to survive the holidays being single step #2:
Set aside half an hour per day to purposely think about your ex. You can think of anything you want really.
It is important though that you stick to your set time frame. I have found half an hour per day is a good amount of time. If you need less, great. However, I don’t recommend taking more time.
After that half an hour, you say STOP.
Either you say it out loud, or you write the word down in big letters or you write it mentally in your brain.
Then you have to focus on something you want to focus on. Something that brings you joy, something that makes you happy.
The life you do want to have rather than what you don’t have.
In this moment in time it may feel like as if nothing in your life can bring you joy as long as he is not in your life.
But there is a way how you can gradually shift your focus. I’ll come to this later in that post.
In the beginning, this will not come easy to you. But I promise you it will get easier with time. Sooner or later the time you want to think about your ex will get less and one day you’ll even have forgotten to sit down for your 30mins.
This strategy helps you from constantly thinking about him over and over again.
It’s that negative and destructive loop thinking you want to interrupt. This is the start to avoid strengthening the circuits in your brain that keep you attached to him and to build new ones.
But what do you do, when your ex and the experiences you two had pop up again during the day, outside the 30mins you’ve set aside?
You do the same thing as when you come to the end of the 30min thinking of him. You say STOP and shift your thoughts intentionally to something else. Something that brings you joy.
I know that this is not something that will come easy to you.
Because thinking in a way our body and brain is not used to and thinking in a way we want to feel costs our body a lot of energy. Which is one of the reasons why it is so hard for us.
It’s similar to when you learn something new. It takes energy to get there.
How to survive the holidays being single step #3:
Now this is probably something that you’ve heard many times. Everyone seems to talk about this exercise lately. This is because it actually works and can make you instantly feel better.
The Gratitude Exercise
Becoming aware of all the positive people, things, opportunities, experiences etc. can really shift you out of a negative state of mind.
I’ve started with the gratitude exercise when I was at a point when everything seemed to get wrong in my life. Nothing seemed to work out the way I wanted to. It is now part of my daily routine.
When I started with this exercise it made me realise that the things that don’t work out in my life were actually a minimum compared to the things that go really well.
Again, you’ve probably heard about this exercise but there is one essential piece most coaches and inspirational speaker are leaving out which makes this exercise actaully work to get you in a better, more positive state.
It didn’t help me to just say thank for all the things that are going well in my life but I had to focus on HOW my life would be different if I wouldn’t have those things / people in my life. Or better, I had to focus on how having these things / people / experiences in my life enable me to do other things I love or appreciate the things that I took for granted.
If you don’t seem to be able to think about something that really makes you happy start with ‘small things’.
I’m putting this in quotation marks because the things you may be thinking as in small are big for someone else. It’s all a matter of perspective.
When you do this regularly you will start to feel better and less dependent on whether your ex wants you or not.
I hope for you that you will be giving this strategy a real chance so you can experience how much better you can feel just by thought alone.
If you have a love question you need help with drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Stay classy and strong.