In this post I’ll be talking with you about why men are testing women and it’s probably not what you think. And in the end I’ll share with you 5 fundamental things to keep in mind when you’re dating men to improve your dating experience straight away.
Have you ever said or thought one of the following things?
“Men only want to have sex.”
“Why do men always have to play games?”
“If I find out he is playing games, I’m done.”
“Why does dating have to be so complicated?”
I’m pretty sure you’ve at leas said one or two of them. You can call it playing games, but what it actually is, is testing.
And guess what? Men are doing it and woman are doing it to! The reason why we’re testing is because we’re trying to get to know each other. So we literally test the water to evaluate and re-evaluate whether the other person is worth our time, energy and our heart.
The more women a man has dated in his life the more he will test the woman he is currently dating. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he is disrespectful towards you. It’s more that if he wouldn’t test you he would open himself up to being hurt. And as much as we as women don’t want to get hurt, men don’t want to get hurt either.
So, we’re both testing. And because men are more logical than emotional it is easier for them to not head over heels rush into a relationship. What they do is what I actually preach what women should be doing. They observe whether you are different to all the other women he has previously dated or if you’re actually more or less of the same: A woman who is desperate to have a relationship with any many really.
Men like to take their time before they commit. Women on the other hand are more time pressured. Because as a women you are disadvantaged in the sense that firstly if you want to have a family your biological clock is ticking. Secondly, even if you don’t want to have children, from let’s say latest 40 years onwards most women want to make sure that they are settled with a man who is committed to them. Because they realise that from 30 years onwards the pool of men available gets smaller and smaller.
You can put men into two categories:
The type of man who will tell you everything he believes you want to hear to get you to sleep with him. As quickly as possible and with as little effort as possible. This is not hard these and with the whole female empowering movement and feminism going on a man getting a woman to sleep with him is easier than ever before.
In addition to this there are psychological tricks that work. Even if you know that a man is using those tricks on you. And even if you know that he first and foremost wants to have sex with you, if done correctly you will still feel attracted to him. The good news is that most men don’t know how to actually follow through with this. It is one thing to know all this stuff but it is another to put it into practice.
Either way, as long as you’re not dismissing red flags, blindly only wanting to see the good in him and you are on the safe side.
However, a man who initially only wants to have sex with you can also fall in love with you and wanting to be in a committed relationship with you.
But this depends on you. And it will only happen if he sees you as The One. The One who is worth giving up his freedom for. His freedom to sleep with as many women as he likes without having to make any sort of commitment to any of them.
Sex is the easiest thing to get for a man in the time we’re living in. And of course this is also the case for women. But if you believe that by sleeping with a man he will decide to want to be in a committed relationship with you – you’re so wrong.
With men and sex it’s like a double edged sword. On one side it’s everything for them. On the other side it doesn’t mean much to them in the sense that it will make him want to be commit to you. I mean if it would be otherwise every man would commit to the woman he has slept with, right? Which, as we all know, is not the case. Because it is not about the sex itself but the women who he has sex with. Does this make sense? Sex he can have at every corner. Sex with a woman who has that special something not.
What I’m saying is, that you need to understand that you’re not a passive by stander in this situation. You chose who you want to be with and you decide with what man you’re sleeping with. Once you understand this you’re taking your power back! And this mind shift is really powerful!
Men can know all the tricks, how to trigger you and what games to play. As long as you know yourself, as long as you have your boundaries and standards and you’re not lowering them for any men, you’re good.
The type of man who is actually looking to be in a relationship but wants to make sure it is with the right one. Also, this type of man will test you. Consciously and subconsciously. However, the tests are different to the ones from the guy who initially had set his mind on only having sex with you.
This one wants to find out whether:
You’ll make drama when he wants to meet his friends without you?
You’ll through a tantrum when you don’t get your way?
You’ll become clingy and needy, trying to take a way his freedom?
You’ll try to control him?
If he will solely be responsible for your happiness?
Whether have dignity and self-respect?
Whether you have boundaries? Do you have any? And if so, how are you going to communicate them to him?
So, this is why men are testing women. But let’s see it from a man’s perspective. Do they feel that we as women are testing them?
They certainly do. In the pick-up scene the tests women perform on men are called “Shit Tests’ or “Compliant Tests”.
If you don’t know what the pick-up scene is, that’s where men educate themselves and teach each other how to, you may already have guessed it, pick up women. There are tons of blogs, books and forums out there with the only intent to teach men psychological tricks to have low investment and easy sex with women like you.
So what are “Shit tests” or “Compliant Tests”?
These are tests women perform on men to see:
How far he will go to make the relationship work?
How far you can can push him before he puts his foot down?
Whether he tells you off and how?
Does he have boundaries?
If he behaves like a puppet on a string – how Boring! What then happens is you put him in the Mr. Nice Guy draw and you move on.
You know the guy who always behaves like a gentleman no matter how disrespectful you treat him? And no matter how much you’re pushing his boundaries? The one who ticks most of your boxes but… but he is just too nice. Which is a real turn off.
To put this in other words: If you tell a guy to jump and he asks you how high, you would perceive him as being weak and unattractive with low potential as a partner for a relationship. Again this process happens consciously as well as subconsciously.
If he is a puppet on a string you’ll lose respect and there won’t be any physical attraction. If you’ve even been attracted in the first place. Because we’re usually not attracted to “Mr Nice Guys”.
On a side note this goes for both men and women. When a woman is overly compliant with a guy he will lose respect and attraction. This is why so called “Nice Girls” who do anything and everything for a guy, who are always available, bending forwards and backwards for a guy are simply boring. In the same way as Nice Guys are boring and not attractive to women.
Why am I talking about how women are testing men, when this episode should be about how and why men are testing women? Because as you can see the reasons as to why men are testing us are not so different.
We’re testing to get to know each other and to see how trustworthy he or she is and with that how safe we feel with that someone.
While both of us, men and women need to feel safe to open up, to have a deep connection and to fall in love, for us women safety is a primary love need.
You want to feel safe which is why you are testing him. How far will he let me go? Is he able to step up for himself or will he let me take advantage of him?
Because if he can’t stand up for himself when you’re pushing his boundaries, how can you trust that he will stand up for you and or your family? And this is the thing – You can’t really. So you push and push and push until you’ve lost all respect for him and with that won’t feel attracted to him.
For all of you, saying that you don’t need a man to feel safe or that you don’t need a man’s support. That you can handle everything by yourself, I recommend to listen into next week’s episode. Because in the next episode I’ll be talking about why you only ever attract wimpy men.
The only thing I will say for now though is, that if you are always the strong one. The one who always takes the lead, always proving to men that you don’t need them. This is what you’ll continue to attract – wimpy men.
Coming back to how men are testing women I want you to keep in the forefront of your mind that the way you’re responding to his tests determines where the relationship will be going. It determines whether he sees you as just some other woman he has slept with or if he sees you as the one he doesn’t want to live without.
I hope you now understand even better how important it is for you to have your standards and your boundaries. And why it is crucial for you to not dismissive red flags.
On one side you’re minimizing the risk to get played, on the other side by having you will pull the right man close to you. As a great man wants you to have your standards. He wants to be told off by you as he needs to know that he can trust you.
Woman who are accepting disrespectful behaviour he can find at ever corner. I mean think about it. How many women do you know, how many friends do you have who are doing exactly that and it doesn’t work? All you will be for him is a placeholder until he finds the one. Then he will drop you like a hot potatoe. he will not feel flattered. Instead, he will be turned off by you as he wants a partner, not a toy.
Now as promised in the beginning I want to give you with 5 fundamental things to keep in mind when you’re dating so you can feel more confident on your next date.
Fundamental tip to become irresistible #1:
Men know that women fall easily in love with words. The best evidence for this is that women are literally falling in love with men who they’ve meet online but never in person. Simply because they are chatting for days, weeks, months and even years without ever seeing the guy in person. Just watch the show Catfish on MTV to understand how hurtful and devastating this can be.
Fundamental tip to become irresistible #2:
Men on the other hand don’t fall for words as women do. They look at how you behave and observe whether your actions match with your words. Eg. If you tell him you are not that kind of woman who sleeps with a man on the first date and then you do. He will not see himself as the special guy who has managed to sleep with you because he is so irresistible. Instead he will see you as a woman who says one thing but does the opposite. Which means he will not be able to trust you. Which then means that he will not consider you for a long term and committed relationship.
Fundamental tip to become irresistible #3:
Men don’t fall in love with you because of what you’ve achieved, because of how much money you earn and how independent you are. They are falling in love with your personality and they need to be able to connect with your heart. If you want to know more, listen to my episode “How to deeply connect with a man’s heart” linked in the show notes of this episode.
Fundamental tip to become irresistible #4:
Keep in mind that women and men are supposed to complement each other. Good quality men will not want to be with you if you’re constantly competing with him by showing off and proving yourself. If you do, you’re essentially proving to him that you don’t need him in your life.
Fundamental tip to become irresistible #5:
A man will only ever invest in you as much as he has to. If you’re rewarding, validating him and giving back for minimal effort he will feel that he has given you enough and will stop giving.